1 00:00:01,968 --> 00:00:06,801 (Pachelbel's "Canon in D" concluding) 2 00:00:08,467 --> 00:00:10,300 Ben, son of Ben, 3 00:00:10,367 --> 00:00:11,601 do you take this woman 4 00:00:11,667 --> 00:00:13,267 for your lawful wedded wife? 5 00:00:13,334 --> 00:00:14,434 I do. 6 00:00:14,501 --> 00:00:15,567 And Dana Katherine, 7 00:00:15,634 --> 00:00:18,167 daughter of unbelievably gorgeous gentiles, 8 00:00:18,234 --> 00:00:19,434 do you take this man 9 00:00:19,501 --> 00:00:21,300 for your lawful wedded husband? 10 00:00:21,367 --> 00:00:22,434 I do. 11 00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:27,534 I'll hurry before she regains her sight. 12 00:00:27,601 --> 00:00:31,200 I now pronounce you husband and wife. 13 00:00:34,367 --> 00:00:36,801 (cheering) 14 00:00:36,868 --> 00:00:39,267 ("Hava Nagila" plays) 15 00:00:47,601 --> 00:00:49,367 I don't know where Duckman could be. 16 00:00:49,434 --> 00:00:52,067 The New York Pornography Expo ended three days ago. 17 00:00:52,133 --> 00:00:53,467 Why isn't he back yet? 18 00:00:53,534 --> 00:00:54,634 I'm sure Duckman's fine. 19 00:00:54,701 --> 00:00:56,868 Besides, it might be worse if he does show up. 20 00:00:56,934 --> 00:00:59,634 Bernice is going to reveal her secret today, 21 00:00:59,701 --> 00:01:01,734 and, well, when Duckman finds out... 22 00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:05,267 It'll make Bosnia look like a foot rub from Perry Como. 23 00:01:05,334 --> 00:01:06,968 Duckman's never seen Ben's bride. 24 00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,400 Can you imagine what he's going to say to Dana 25 00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:11,200 when he sees how beautiful she is? 26 00:01:11,267 --> 00:01:12,801 I once saw him do ten minutes 27 00:01:12,868 --> 00:01:14,534 of insultingly crude and leering come-ons 28 00:01:14,601 --> 00:01:17,300 to a heavily veiled Iraqi transsexual in a full body cast. 29 00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:19,133 When he meets this incredible woman... 30 00:01:19,200 --> 00:01:20,701 She's so wonderful 31 00:01:20,767 --> 00:01:22,267 and he's so... 32 00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,300 well... 33 00:01:23,367 --> 00:01:24,734 Unbelievably lucky? 34 00:01:24,801 --> 00:01:25,734 Yeah. 35 00:01:25,801 --> 00:01:28,067 But they sure are happy. 36 00:01:28,133 --> 00:01:31,133 Yeah. Weddings, you know. 37 00:01:31,200 --> 00:01:32,567 Yeah. 38 00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:37,901 * Oh, I am the Duckman * 39 00:01:37,968 --> 00:01:40,734 * Oh, Duckman, I gotta be, I am * 40 00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:41,901 * Duckman... * 41 00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,033 Dad. 42 00:01:43,100 --> 00:01:44,067 Hey, hey, hey. 43 00:01:44,133 --> 00:01:45,400 Dad, where have you been? 44 00:01:45,467 --> 00:01:47,501 You've even beaten your previous tardiness record 45 00:01:47,567 --> 00:01:49,567 which you set at your grandmother's funeral. 46 00:01:49,634 --> 00:01:50,634 Yeah, I remember. 47 00:01:50,701 --> 00:01:52,767 No way I leave an REO Speedwagon concert 48 00:01:52,834 --> 00:01:54,501 before they play "Roll with the Changes." 49 00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:56,133 Look, I'll explain when we get to our table. 50 00:01:56,200 --> 00:01:57,901 We're not at your table. 51 00:01:57,968 --> 00:02:00,033 We're stuck at the kiddy table 52 00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,934 with all the neighbor kids. 53 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,501 Scott Desalvo keeps touching me. 54 00:02:03,567 --> 00:02:05,133 It's creepy. 55 00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:07,000 Just come over to our table in a little bit 56 00:02:07,067 --> 00:02:08,100 'cause I have some news. 57 00:02:08,167 --> 00:02:09,100 And bring Ajax. 58 00:02:09,167 --> 00:02:10,100 Where is he, anyway? 59 00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:12,267 Over there. 60 00:02:12,334 --> 00:02:14,267 Dr. and Mrs. Stein, 61 00:02:14,334 --> 00:02:16,534 thank you for inviting me to your wedding. 62 00:02:16,601 --> 00:02:18,467 I hope you are blessed with a child 63 00:02:18,534 --> 00:02:21,000 and that it is a masculine child 64 00:02:21,067 --> 00:02:22,634 and, um... 65 00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:24,000 damn. 66 00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:26,234 Dr. and Mrs. Stein, 67 00:02:26,300 --> 00:02:27,467 thank you for inviting me... 68 00:02:27,534 --> 00:02:29,601 Once you can move him without waking him, 69 00:02:29,667 --> 00:02:31,267 come on over. 70 00:02:33,467 --> 00:02:34,801 Talk about your party animals 71 00:02:34,868 --> 00:02:36,467 what time is your next blink? 72 00:02:36,534 --> 00:02:38,267 Where have you been? Are you all right? 73 00:02:38,334 --> 00:02:39,701 Duckman, we've been waiting. 74 00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:41,300 I'm tip-top from top to tip. 75 00:02:41,367 --> 00:02:43,100 I'm sorry if you were worried, but I'll explain everything. 76 00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:44,200 Where's Bernice? 77 00:02:44,267 --> 00:02:48,033 Um, she and her date must be running late. 78 00:02:48,100 --> 00:02:49,334 Bernice has a date? 79 00:02:49,400 --> 00:02:51,267 I thought the escort services banned her for biting. 80 00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:52,300 They did. 81 00:02:52,367 --> 00:02:53,567 This isn't an escort. 82 00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:55,167 She's... seeing someone. 83 00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:57,601 In fact, it's someone you know. 84 00:02:57,667 --> 00:02:59,501 Well, that rules out my sons' teachers, 85 00:02:59,567 --> 00:03:01,567 my elected officials and everyone on UPN. 86 00:03:01,634 --> 00:03:03,567 So, who's Lizzie Boredom been whacking? 87 00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:07,901 Is every b-b-body happy? 88 00:03:07,968 --> 00:03:09,000 King chicken! 89 00:03:09,067 --> 00:03:10,901 You and him! Him and you! 90 00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:13,067 Before you get your 'roids ruffled, listen up. 91 00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:14,334 We're in love! 92 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:16,434 That's right, I, your arch enemy 93 00:03:16,501 --> 00:03:18,934 and he, your arch nemesis are an item. 94 00:03:19,000 --> 00:03:22,067 We're sick of sneaking around behind your back. 95 00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:25,133 We're here, we sneer, we jeer, get used to it. 96 00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:28,300 You two are going out together? 97 00:03:28,367 --> 00:03:31,467 (laughs) 98 00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:33,567 Well, he seems to be taking it well. 99 00:03:33,634 --> 00:03:34,868 Yeah, that's what Stanford White said 100 00:03:34,934 --> 00:03:36,868 when Harry Thaw showed up at the Garden. 101 00:03:36,934 --> 00:03:38,634 They're called books, kids. 102 00:03:38,701 --> 00:03:39,634 Try reading one. 103 00:03:43,067 --> 00:03:46,000 I've never seen Dad look like this before. 104 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:48,167 He looks... happy. 105 00:03:48,234 --> 00:03:50,334 Duckman, what's going on? 106 00:03:50,400 --> 00:03:52,167 I'm sorry, really. 107 00:03:52,234 --> 00:03:53,434 This is just too perfect. 108 00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:54,434 Duckman... 109 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:55,934 glad you could come. 110 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,434 Baron von Dockenstein. 111 00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:00,801 Rocky congratsiano to you and the blusher. 112 00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:02,834 While I haven't a clue what you're saying 113 00:04:02,901 --> 00:04:05,901 I'll take your air of bonhomie at face value. 114 00:04:05,968 --> 00:04:06,968 What you said. 115 00:04:07,033 --> 00:04:08,734 So, where is the old trouble and strife? 116 00:04:08,801 --> 00:04:10,133 Let's see what made this 117 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:11,234 miss a hit. 118 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:12,300 WOMAN: Hi. 119 00:04:12,367 --> 00:04:14,467 Why is everyone sneaking up behind me today? 120 00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:17,801 (celestial theme playing) 121 00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:20,767 Everyone, this is my lovely bride, 122 00:04:20,834 --> 00:04:23,167 Dana Renard. 123 00:04:23,234 --> 00:04:25,968 Dana, this is Charles and Mambo and Ajax 124 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:28,968 and their aunt Bev, her boyfriend Cornfed, 125 00:04:29,033 --> 00:04:30,801 his partner Duckman, 126 00:04:30,868 --> 00:04:32,667 his sister-in-law Bernice, 127 00:04:32,734 --> 00:04:34,501 her boyfriend King Chicken 128 00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:37,300 and his cousin, international film star 129 00:04:37,367 --> 00:04:38,667 Kevin Bacon. 130 00:04:39,834 --> 00:04:42,767 Ben-o, beaucoups de mazel tovs. 131 00:04:42,834 --> 00:04:44,400 And Dana, congratulations 132 00:04:44,467 --> 00:04:45,901 on being able to see what a kind 133 00:04:45,968 --> 00:04:48,968 and caring person Stein's got stashed inside. 134 00:04:49,033 --> 00:04:51,601 (chuckling): Oh, thank you, Duckman. 135 00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:53,334 I'm glad you'll be our neighbor. 136 00:04:54,801 --> 00:04:57,067 He's really nice. 137 00:04:59,968 --> 00:05:01,567 What a great couple. 138 00:05:01,634 --> 00:05:02,634 All right, who are you 139 00:05:02,701 --> 00:05:04,267 and what have you done with Duckman? 140 00:05:04,334 --> 00:05:05,667 (laughs) 141 00:05:05,734 --> 00:05:08,000 Bernice, I don't blame you for being confused. 142 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:10,334 The truth is, I have something to tell all of you. 143 00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:11,834 I'm in love, 144 00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:14,400 and you'll never believe who with. 145 00:05:14,467 --> 00:05:16,901 She must still be out looking for a parking... 146 00:05:16,968 --> 00:05:17,968 Whoa! 147 00:05:18,033 --> 00:05:19,334 Here I am. 148 00:05:19,400 --> 00:05:21,501 My little lover man. 149 00:05:21,567 --> 00:05:23,167 ALL: Honey Chicken?! 150 00:05:23,234 --> 00:05:24,267 Hi, y'all. 151 00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:25,701 So, can you believe it? 152 00:05:25,767 --> 00:05:28,834 Me and Duckman an item. 153 00:05:28,901 --> 00:05:32,067 Honey and Duckman? 154 00:05:32,133 --> 00:05:34,334 Hey, what are you doing here? 155 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:36,934 He's with me, and we're in love. 156 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,534 Really? Well... 157 00:05:38,601 --> 00:05:41,367 then what's the big deal to Kingy if we see each other? 158 00:05:41,434 --> 00:05:43,167 Yeah, what's it to you, King? 159 00:05:43,234 --> 00:05:45,367 Yeah, what's it to you, King? 160 00:05:45,434 --> 00:05:48,367 Why, nothing, of course. 161 00:05:48,434 --> 00:05:50,100 Duckman, how did this happen? 162 00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:51,868 It's a really romantic story. 163 00:05:51,934 --> 00:05:53,133 You tell them, Honey. 164 00:05:53,200 --> 00:05:55,434 Oh, I'm no good with stories. 165 00:05:55,501 --> 00:05:56,968 Well, okay. 166 00:05:57,033 --> 00:05:59,868 A few months ago, I realized I couldn't control my drinking 167 00:05:59,934 --> 00:06:01,567 'cause I was always drunk. 168 00:06:01,634 --> 00:06:02,801 I'd hit bottom. 169 00:06:02,868 --> 00:06:04,300 So I divorced Kingy. 170 00:06:04,367 --> 00:06:07,367 I set out to somehow change my life. 171 00:06:07,434 --> 00:06:09,067 It was tough 172 00:06:09,133 --> 00:06:11,033 but I managed to get sober 173 00:06:11,100 --> 00:06:13,868 and so far, stay sober. 174 00:06:13,934 --> 00:06:16,868 So, to celebrate, I decided to take a trip to New York. 175 00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:18,133 Here's the me part. Here's the me part. 176 00:06:18,200 --> 00:06:19,467 That's right, honey bunny. 177 00:06:22,534 --> 00:06:27,734 Who was I seated next to on the flight to New York but Duckman. 178 00:06:32,100 --> 00:06:38,234 But then the plane developed, uh, engine trouble. 179 00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:39,968 There's a monster on the wing! 180 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,667 There's a monster on the wing! 181 00:06:47,367 --> 00:06:50,300 HONEY: We thought we were going to die. 182 00:06:50,367 --> 00:06:52,534 (screaming) 183 00:06:59,234 --> 00:07:01,501 HONEY: Fortunately, the captain was able to make 184 00:07:01,567 --> 00:07:03,901 an emergency landing. 185 00:07:06,234 --> 00:07:09,133 We were bruised and shaken. 186 00:07:09,200 --> 00:07:10,601 Mostly bruised. 187 00:07:10,667 --> 00:07:13,567 But we were alive 188 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:16,834 and we realized we were also in love. 189 00:07:17,567 --> 00:07:19,934 (projector buzzing) 190 00:07:21,968 --> 00:07:23,300 By the time we got to New York 191 00:07:23,367 --> 00:07:24,968 all we wanted to do was be with each other. 192 00:07:25,033 --> 00:07:27,434 Right, cutie butt? 193 00:07:27,501 --> 00:07:30,167 You better believe it, my little chitlin goo. 194 00:07:30,234 --> 00:07:34,167 I knew Honey was beautiful and sexy and sweet and kind. 195 00:07:34,234 --> 00:07:36,067 But I also saw how strong she is 196 00:07:36,133 --> 00:07:38,834 and how brave and how much she believes in me. 197 00:07:38,901 --> 00:07:42,200 And I want to see it every day for the rest of my life. 198 00:07:42,267 --> 00:07:44,367 Duckman, 199 00:07:44,434 --> 00:07:46,968 you magnificently sentimental bastard. 200 00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,133 Are you asking Honey to marry you? 201 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:52,200 Oh, uh, well, uh... 202 00:07:52,267 --> 00:07:54,367 Don't answer that, Duckman. 203 00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,334 I have something to say. 204 00:07:58,934 --> 00:08:01,801 Bernice, what the idiot said 205 00:08:01,868 --> 00:08:03,734 touched me deep inside 206 00:08:03,801 --> 00:08:06,634 where my desire meets my longing 207 00:08:06,701 --> 00:08:08,634 and causes love to bubble 208 00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:11,734 over the side of the glass that is my heart. 209 00:08:11,801 --> 00:08:14,133 You should tilt your heart when you pour longing in. 210 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:20,334 Bernice, this seems incredibly coincidental, 211 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,934 but will you marry me? 212 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:23,934 But... should we? 213 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,467 Do you think it would work? 214 00:08:25,534 --> 00:08:27,801 I mean, what do we really have in common 215 00:08:27,868 --> 00:08:30,501 other than an unquenchable lust for each other 216 00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:31,934 and a hatred of Duckman? 217 00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,701 There's only one way to find out. 218 00:08:34,767 --> 00:08:36,200 In the movie Clue, 219 00:08:36,267 --> 00:08:37,767 which was your favorite ending? 220 00:08:37,834 --> 00:08:39,801 A, B or C? 221 00:08:39,868 --> 00:08:42,868 Why choose when the video cassette has all three? 222 00:08:42,934 --> 00:08:46,300 Oh, baby, will you marry me? 223 00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:48,267 Yes! 224 00:08:50,234 --> 00:08:53,901 Boy, real life really is stranger than fiction. 225 00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:58,267 Duckman, were you really asking me to marry you? 226 00:08:58,334 --> 00:09:01,467 Well, as a matter... 227 00:09:01,534 --> 00:09:02,767 Duckman, I'm sorry to interrupt you 228 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:04,067 but strange as it may seem 229 00:09:04,133 --> 00:09:05,334 I'm going for the hat trick. 230 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,701 Bev, no relationship I've ever been in 231 00:09:07,767 --> 00:09:08,801 feels this right, 232 00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:10,133 and I've dated Joan Lunden. 233 00:09:10,200 --> 00:09:11,701 Will you do me the honor 234 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:13,634 of giving me your hand in marriage? 235 00:09:13,701 --> 00:09:16,400 Of course I will, Corny. 236 00:09:16,467 --> 00:09:18,067 Cool. 237 00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:23,734 Look, sweetie, I know that you were put on the spot. 238 00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,901 Duckman, you don't have to marry me 239 00:09:25,968 --> 00:09:26,934 if you don't want. 240 00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,901 I'll still love you just the same. 241 00:09:28,968 --> 00:09:32,200 And I'll still be your cuddle bug no matter what. 242 00:09:32,267 --> 00:09:34,534 Okay? 243 00:09:39,601 --> 00:09:41,234 Break out the Fresca. 244 00:09:41,300 --> 00:09:42,901 We're getting married! 245 00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:46,234 (applause and cheering) 246 00:09:56,567 --> 00:09:57,834 Hey. 247 00:09:57,901 --> 00:09:58,901 Am I the first one? 248 00:09:58,968 --> 00:10:00,167 Yeah. King's not here yet 249 00:10:00,234 --> 00:10:02,467 and the girls are fitting bridesmaids' dresses 250 00:10:02,534 --> 00:10:04,267 or fluffing monogrammed napkin rings 251 00:10:04,334 --> 00:10:06,901 or registering toilet seat cozy patterns. Something. 252 00:10:06,968 --> 00:10:08,267 They'll be here any minute. 253 00:10:09,801 --> 00:10:11,734 In all the excitement 254 00:10:11,801 --> 00:10:13,400 we haven't had a chance to sit as friends 255 00:10:13,467 --> 00:10:15,133 and reflect on the enormous changes 256 00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:16,667 we're about to go through. 257 00:10:16,734 --> 00:10:19,000 We should take some time to share. 258 00:10:23,734 --> 00:10:25,300 That's enough of that. Thank God. 259 00:10:25,367 --> 00:10:27,701 To be honest, I was worried how the boys would react 260 00:10:27,767 --> 00:10:29,501 to my marrying my arch nemesis' ex-wife 261 00:10:29,567 --> 00:10:31,400 but they're really taking it well. 262 00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:35,334 So, it's decided. 263 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:37,434 When this hideous marriage screws up our heads, 264 00:10:37,501 --> 00:10:40,000 Charles and I will stick up convenience stores. 265 00:10:40,067 --> 00:10:42,234 And Ajax, you'll become a street hustler. 266 00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,634 I'm way ahead of you. 267 00:10:45,701 --> 00:10:47,200 I'm afraid the whole thing will get called off 268 00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:48,767 if the ladies don't stop squabbling 269 00:10:48,834 --> 00:10:49,968 over the wedding plans. 270 00:10:50,033 --> 00:10:51,200 Whose bonehead idea was it 271 00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,067 to do a triple wedding in the first place? 272 00:10:53,133 --> 00:10:55,067 I believe it was yours. 273 00:10:56,300 --> 00:10:59,434 Oh. Yeah. It was me. 274 00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:00,801 Forget it. 275 00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:02,801 Anyway, our problem is King you-know-who. 276 00:11:02,868 --> 00:11:04,868 Talk about pushy. 277 00:11:04,934 --> 00:11:05,767 You're right. 278 00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:06,868 If that overgrown squab 279 00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,167 wags his finger at me one more time 280 00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:09,634 I'm going to break it off! 281 00:11:09,701 --> 00:11:11,734 Don't you mean... (imitates clucking): Break it off? 282 00:11:11,801 --> 00:11:13,434 (both laughing) 283 00:11:17,367 --> 00:11:20,000 That raucous laughter can only mean one thing-- 284 00:11:20,067 --> 00:11:22,033 a new dirty joke! 285 00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:23,868 Come on, let me hear it. 286 00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:24,934 Oh, it was, uh... 287 00:11:25,033 --> 00:11:26,200 Nothing. 288 00:11:26,267 --> 00:11:27,634 Oh, now, now, now. 289 00:11:27,701 --> 00:11:31,167 I might think the laughter was at my expense. 290 00:11:31,234 --> 00:11:32,868 (clucking laughter) 291 00:11:35,033 --> 00:11:37,501 Oh, fine. 292 00:11:38,701 --> 00:11:39,968 Well, then, maybe I'll just leave. 293 00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,367 Kingy! 294 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,467 Are you throwing another one of your famous hissy fits? 295 00:11:44,534 --> 00:11:45,701 This really... 296 00:11:45,767 --> 00:11:48,567 (everybody talking at once) 297 00:11:48,634 --> 00:11:50,033 Okay, everyone sit down! 298 00:11:50,100 --> 00:11:52,100 Let's try to spend one friggin' evening 299 00:11:52,167 --> 00:11:54,033 planning this miserable wedding without fighting! 300 00:11:55,467 --> 00:11:58,667 Boy,was that not the right thing to say! 301 00:11:58,734 --> 00:12:01,467 Well! Sometimes I think you dread this wedding 302 00:12:01,534 --> 00:12:03,501 more than anything else on Earth. 303 00:12:03,567 --> 00:12:06,000 Now, now, butter buckles, you know that's not true. 304 00:12:06,067 --> 00:12:08,067 The thing I dread most is E!'s Gossip Show. 305 00:12:08,133 --> 00:12:09,167 (tittering) 306 00:12:09,234 --> 00:12:10,267 There you go. 307 00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:11,400 Now, let's all try 308 00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:13,100 to get along, okay? 309 00:12:13,167 --> 00:12:14,267 Duckman's right. 310 00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,868 Now, we're here to plan a wedding. 311 00:12:15,934 --> 00:12:18,267 This is supposed to be a happy occasion, remember? 312 00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:19,767 (grumbling) 313 00:12:19,834 --> 00:12:21,100 Okay, okay, listen. 314 00:12:21,167 --> 00:12:22,901 Now, let's just try to get to the real problems 315 00:12:22,968 --> 00:12:24,534 without finger-pointing, without blame, 316 00:12:24,601 --> 00:12:26,834 without accusations, okay? 317 00:12:26,901 --> 00:12:28,634 Great. Now, King, why don't you go first 318 00:12:28,701 --> 00:12:30,801 since you're the one ruining this for everyone. 319 00:12:30,868 --> 00:12:32,234 I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 320 00:12:32,300 --> 00:12:34,501 King, really, I was just kidding. 321 00:12:34,567 --> 00:12:37,701 No, no, I'm well aware that you all resent me 322 00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,167 for "taking over" the wedding plans. 323 00:12:40,234 --> 00:12:43,267 It's just that ever since I was a little boy 324 00:12:43,334 --> 00:12:45,801 I've always dreamed of the perfect wedding-- 325 00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:49,234 the decorations and the bridesmaids' gowns 326 00:12:49,300 --> 00:12:51,901 and the flowers... well, what little boy 327 00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:54,501 hasn't daydreamed about all that? 328 00:12:58,067 --> 00:13:01,601 I know none of you think the wedding coordinator matters 329 00:13:01,667 --> 00:13:05,133 but I'm telling you, it does! 330 00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,334 A successful affair has got to have a concept-- 331 00:13:08,400 --> 00:13:11,133 an overriding theme-- the ties, the decor 332 00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:13,400 the food, the clothes, the entire experience 333 00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:15,567 into a cohesive whole. 334 00:13:15,634 --> 00:13:18,467 "A taffeta-tacular in Candyland"? 335 00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:23,300 Don't you just love it?! 336 00:13:24,767 --> 00:13:26,801 Yes. I love it. 337 00:13:26,868 --> 00:13:27,968 It's... 338 00:13:28,033 --> 00:13:29,067 (whispering): Yummy. 339 00:13:29,133 --> 00:13:30,067 Yes. Yummy. 340 00:13:30,133 --> 00:13:31,400 Good. 341 00:13:31,467 --> 00:13:33,234 Then that's settled. 342 00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,400 Well... 343 00:13:34,467 --> 00:13:35,934 on a less flesh-crawling note, 344 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:38,467 I have a problem with the seating arrangement. 345 00:13:38,534 --> 00:13:40,367 My relatives are sitting by the band 346 00:13:40,434 --> 00:13:41,601 and it'll be too loud. 347 00:13:41,667 --> 00:13:42,868 What do you mean? 348 00:13:42,934 --> 00:13:44,801 Our relatives are all the way in the back... 349 00:13:44,868 --> 00:13:46,200 by the kitchen. 350 00:13:46,267 --> 00:13:48,100 I'm talking about my relatives. 351 00:13:48,167 --> 00:13:50,334 Since when do you have relatives I don't? 352 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:51,534 You're an orphan. 353 00:13:51,601 --> 00:13:53,434 I know I'm an orphan, Bernice. 354 00:13:53,501 --> 00:13:54,801 I consider the people 355 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,234 I grew up with at the orphanage 356 00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:58,434 to be my relatives. Oh... 357 00:13:58,501 --> 00:14:01,200 After all, I've known them a lot longer than you. Bev. 358 00:14:01,267 --> 00:14:02,634 What's that supposed to mean? 359 00:14:02,701 --> 00:14:03,901 Nothing. Nothing at all. 360 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:06,300 Because you've known me a hell of a lot longer 361 00:14:06,367 --> 00:14:08,567 than you've known... Hamboneover there! 362 00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:09,968 Again with the pig jokes? 363 00:14:10,033 --> 00:14:11,601 Then why don't we talk about the way 364 00:14:11,667 --> 00:14:15,234 you two rut with each other like godless hogs. 365 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:16,734 Yeah. We never do that. 366 00:14:16,801 --> 00:14:17,901 W-W-W-Wait-wait. 367 00:14:17,968 --> 00:14:19,234 What was that? 368 00:14:19,300 --> 00:14:20,501 For the first time tonight 369 00:14:20,567 --> 00:14:22,000 I heard something interesting. 370 00:14:22,067 --> 00:14:23,267 Bev, what are you saying? 371 00:14:23,334 --> 00:14:25,000 That he's never foamed your runway? 372 00:14:25,067 --> 00:14:26,067 He's never jacked your Valenti? 373 00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,234 Woolied your mammoth? Sha-na-ed your na? 374 00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:30,467 Silenced your lamb? Johned your 316? 375 00:14:30,534 --> 00:14:32,133 Pardoned your Nixon? 376 00:14:32,200 --> 00:14:34,634 We're waiting for the honeymoon. 377 00:14:34,701 --> 00:14:36,067 Sue me. I'm old-fashioned. 378 00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:37,234 Sure. 379 00:14:37,300 --> 00:14:38,434 He's old-fashioned 380 00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:40,400 but she wanted a screwdriver. 381 00:14:40,467 --> 00:14:41,868 Oh, yeah. Look who's talking. 382 00:14:41,934 --> 00:14:43,367 What's that supposed to mean? 383 00:14:43,434 --> 00:14:45,801 You are just like Cornfed, you big hypocrite-- 384 00:14:45,868 --> 00:14:47,968 refusing to have sex until after we're married. 385 00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:49,434 What?! 386 00:14:49,501 --> 00:14:52,267 You'll be lucky if you get it after you're married. 387 00:14:52,334 --> 00:14:54,000 I never did. 388 00:14:54,067 --> 00:14:54,734 What?! 389 00:14:54,801 --> 00:14:55,901 Honey, are you telling me 390 00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:57,767 in the nine years you were married to King, 391 00:14:57,834 --> 00:14:59,734 you never once had sex? 392 00:14:59,801 --> 00:15:00,968 That's a lie. 393 00:15:01,033 --> 00:15:03,534 Honey, we had sex constantly. 394 00:15:03,601 --> 00:15:07,667 And Bernice, you and I are always having sex. 395 00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:10,133 I don't believe it. 396 00:15:10,200 --> 00:15:10,968 What? 397 00:15:11,033 --> 00:15:14,834 Uh, King, the things we did 398 00:15:14,901 --> 00:15:16,968 that's, um... 399 00:15:17,033 --> 00:15:19,400 that's not sex. 400 00:15:19,467 --> 00:15:21,100 Get out! 401 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:26,434 Then... what... 402 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:27,634 DUCKMAN: King... 403 00:15:27,701 --> 00:15:29,701 (whistles) Come here. 404 00:15:31,634 --> 00:15:34,567 (whispering) 405 00:15:34,634 --> 00:15:36,167 (gagging) 406 00:15:37,133 --> 00:15:38,200 (vomiting) 407 00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,634 (laughing) 408 00:15:39,701 --> 00:15:40,634 (snorting laugh) 409 00:15:40,701 --> 00:15:42,567 This is not funny! 410 00:15:42,634 --> 00:15:43,901 Bernice, come on. 411 00:15:43,968 --> 00:15:44,934 That's funny. 412 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:46,300 So, we all okay? 413 00:15:46,367 --> 00:15:47,734 Full steam a-wed? 414 00:15:47,801 --> 00:15:50,467 I'd like to bring up this horrible napkin color. 415 00:15:50,534 --> 00:15:51,534 I mean, who likes twill, 416 00:15:51,601 --> 00:15:53,501 for God's sake? 417 00:15:53,567 --> 00:15:57,567 Twill was John-John's napkin color. 418 00:15:57,634 --> 00:15:59,234 Hey, Kingy. 419 00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:00,934 Penis. (vomiting) 420 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:02,767 Bernice, I have two questions for you. 421 00:16:02,834 --> 00:16:04,300 Who are you? And who the hell do you think you are? 422 00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:06,167 (all talking at once) 423 00:16:06,234 --> 00:16:07,267 (loud whistle) 424 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:08,267 That's it! 425 00:16:08,334 --> 00:16:09,267 I've had it. 426 00:16:09,334 --> 00:16:10,300 It's like you're trying 427 00:16:10,367 --> 00:16:11,534 to tear this wedding apart. 428 00:16:11,601 --> 00:16:13,067 I've been looking for this kind of love 429 00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:14,200 ever since Beatrice died. 430 00:16:14,267 --> 00:16:15,734 This is my chance to be happy 431 00:16:15,801 --> 00:16:17,000 and you're not going to take that away! 432 00:16:17,067 --> 00:16:18,634 So here's the way it's going to work. 433 00:16:18,701 --> 00:16:20,234 I'm taking over the wedding, I'm planning it 434 00:16:20,300 --> 00:16:21,968 and it will not be perfect. 435 00:16:22,033 --> 00:16:24,367 There will be a lot of things you'll hate and it's okay 436 00:16:24,434 --> 00:16:26,434 because you'll honestly be able to tell everyone 437 00:16:26,501 --> 00:16:28,801 "Hey, it's not my fault; Duckman screwed up." 438 00:16:28,868 --> 00:16:30,334 All right? Are we agreed? 439 00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,367 Good. 440 00:16:31,434 --> 00:16:33,634 Meeting over! 441 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,133 (door closing) 442 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:37,667 It's like a fairy tale, isn't it? 443 00:16:37,734 --> 00:16:40,601 (King vomiting) 444 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:45,534 (church bells ringing) 445 00:16:50,834 --> 00:16:52,400 Friends of bride "A" 446 00:16:52,467 --> 00:16:54,601 in quadrant A-one to G-six. 447 00:16:54,667 --> 00:16:57,434 Groom "A" in quadrant A-six to M-six. 448 00:16:57,501 --> 00:16:59,167 Groom "B" in quadrant... 449 00:17:01,868 --> 00:17:02,968 Good afternoon. 450 00:17:03,033 --> 00:17:05,133 My name is Coco L'available, 451 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:07,267 and I am a professional lounge singer, 452 00:17:07,334 --> 00:17:09,734 as well as Mr. Duckman's dental hygienist. 453 00:17:09,801 --> 00:17:12,267 Not for deep scaling and calculus and stuff. 454 00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:13,400 Just for cleaning. 455 00:17:13,467 --> 00:17:17,000 And he has permitted me to offer my gift of song 456 00:17:17,067 --> 00:17:19,200 to you and yours today 457 00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:22,400 to celebrate he and his wedded bliss... 458 00:17:22,467 --> 00:17:24,601 for always. 459 00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:26,133 (clearing throat) 460 00:17:26,200 --> 00:17:28,934 Oh, and since mr. Duckman's organ is not functioning 461 00:17:29,000 --> 00:17:31,868 I will be singing these a cappella selections 462 00:17:31,934 --> 00:17:33,200 with no accompaniment. 463 00:17:33,267 --> 00:17:35,334 (singing to the tune of "The Wedding March") 464 00:17:35,400 --> 00:17:38,601 * It's wedding day * 465 00:17:38,667 --> 00:17:43,334 * It's wedding day * 466 00:17:43,400 --> 00:17:51,300 (off-key): * It's wedding d-a-a-ay * 467 00:17:51,367 --> 00:17:55,300 * It's wedding day... * 468 00:17:55,367 --> 00:17:57,133 She was ordained in Puerto Guano. 469 00:17:57,200 --> 00:17:59,234 I figured she'd be like Switzerland. Neutral? 470 00:17:59,300 --> 00:18:01,434 Oh! I thought she'd give us chocolate, 471 00:18:01,501 --> 00:18:03,167 but you're right-- she's neutral, too. 472 00:18:03,234 --> 00:18:04,167 Shut up! 473 00:18:04,234 --> 00:18:05,367 You're making me sicker. 474 00:18:05,434 --> 00:18:07,834 Wow! Kevin Bacon. 475 00:18:07,901 --> 00:18:09,033 My teacher's sister 476 00:18:09,100 --> 00:18:11,801 works with your uncle's brother-in-law. 477 00:18:11,868 --> 00:18:13,334 DUCKMAN: Sit down! 478 00:18:14,434 --> 00:18:17,834 * Here come the brides * 479 00:18:17,901 --> 00:18:20,701 * Here come the brides... * 480 00:18:20,767 --> 00:18:23,300 Ow! 481 00:18:23,367 --> 00:18:24,734 Ooh! Ooh! 482 00:18:24,801 --> 00:18:29,467 (men grunting) * ...the brides * 483 00:18:29,534 --> 00:18:34,901 * He-He-Here come the brides * 484 00:18:34,968 --> 00:18:39,267 * Here... * 485 00:18:39,334 --> 00:18:40,601 Dearly beloved... 486 00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:43,601 Yes, sweetie-pie? 487 00:18:43,667 --> 00:18:46,934 Oh, right. Sorry. 488 00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,067 The couples have chosen to exchange their own vows. 489 00:18:49,133 --> 00:18:50,601 Duckman? 490 00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:52,067 Right here! 491 00:18:52,133 --> 00:18:53,767 I'm gonna do the vows for everyone. 492 00:18:53,834 --> 00:18:55,767 And I don't think there's anything I could say 493 00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:58,300 that would express the love we all share better 494 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,901 than this quote from a great American. 495 00:19:01,968 --> 00:19:04,033 "As I stood in that Chicago hotel room 496 00:19:04,100 --> 00:19:05,801 "and heard that Nicole was dead, 497 00:19:05,868 --> 00:19:08,200 "I remembered how completely not at the scene I was 498 00:19:08,267 --> 00:19:09,434 "when it happened 499 00:19:09,501 --> 00:19:11,634 "and all I could do was run into the bathroom 500 00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:13,734 "break a glass and then head back to L. A. 501 00:19:13,801 --> 00:19:15,667 To get my passport and my fake beard." 502 00:19:15,734 --> 00:19:17,968 (sobbing) 503 00:19:18,033 --> 00:19:21,133 * It's wedding day... * 504 00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:22,133 Wow... 505 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,267 Uh... (clears throat) 506 00:19:23,334 --> 00:19:25,934 I mean, do you, Eric Tiberius Duckman, 507 00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:27,934 Willobald Fivel Cornfed 508 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,767 and George Herbert Walker Chicken 509 00:19:29,834 --> 00:19:32,501 take these women to be your lawful wedded wives? 510 00:19:32,567 --> 00:19:33,901 We do. We do. Cluck-cluck. 511 00:19:33,968 --> 00:19:37,133 Do you, Honey Ursula Bacon, Bernice Florence Hufnagel 512 00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:38,734 and Beverly Glen Hufnagel 513 00:19:38,801 --> 00:19:41,968 take these men to be your lawful wedded husbands? 514 00:19:42,033 --> 00:19:42,968 ALL: We do. 515 00:19:43,033 --> 00:19:44,133 * It's wedding... * 516 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:45,634 ALL: Will you shut up? 517 00:19:49,234 --> 00:19:50,267 Thank you. 518 00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:50,901 The rings? 519 00:19:50,968 --> 00:19:52,834 (grunting) 520 00:19:55,934 --> 00:19:57,467 Oy, skip the rings. 521 00:19:57,534 --> 00:20:00,434 If anyone knows why these couples shouldn't be wed, 522 00:20:00,501 --> 00:20:02,667 speak now or forever hold your peace. 523 00:20:02,734 --> 00:20:03,834 (farting) 524 00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:04,667 Doesn't count. 525 00:20:04,734 --> 00:20:06,400 Then I pronounce you 526 00:20:06,467 --> 00:20:08,100 husbands and wives. 527 00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:09,334 Kiss 'em if you got 'em. 528 00:20:13,501 --> 00:20:19,400 (applause and cheering) 529 00:20:37,234 --> 00:20:38,467 WOMAN: Stop! 530 00:20:38,534 --> 00:20:39,734 Stop the wedding! 531 00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:41,901 So solly. Too late. 532 00:20:41,968 --> 00:20:42,901 You should... 533 00:20:42,968 --> 00:20:44,000 (gasping) 534 00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:45,100 (gasping) 535 00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:46,200 (all gasping) 536 00:20:48,367 --> 00:20:49,400 DUCKMAN: Beatrice! 537 00:20:49,467 --> 00:20:50,534 Beatrice? 538 00:20:50,601 --> 00:20:51,801 Beatrice? 539 00:20:51,868 --> 00:20:52,667 Beatrice? 540 00:20:52,734 --> 00:20:54,033 Who's Beatrice? 541 00:20:54,100 --> 00:20:55,701 My wife. 542 00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:57,634 Uh, uh, my first wife. 543 00:20:57,701 --> 00:20:58,767 I-I mean... 544 00:20:58,834 --> 00:21:00,067 you're alive. 545 00:21:00,133 --> 00:21:02,634 Well, yeah, sure I am. 546 00:21:02,701 --> 00:21:03,701 Didn't Cornfed ever tell you? 547 00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:05,000 (guests gasp) 548 00:21:05,067 --> 00:21:09,567 Uh, Duckman, I can explain. 549 00:21:28,868 --> 00:21:31,934 * ...a-a-aay * 550 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,667 * A-a-aay * 551 00:21:35,734 --> 00:21:40,934 * A-a-aaaaay * 552 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,667 * It's wedding day * 553 00:21:44,734 --> 00:21:48,567 * It's wedding day * 554 00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:57,968 * It's wedding da-a-y * 555 00:21:58,067 --> 00:21:59,667 (takes deep breath): * ...a-a-ay... * 556 00:22:05,334 --> 00:22:06,968 Does that do it? That is it. 557 00:22:07,033 --> 00:22:08,234 I think that's it. Okay.